I keep reminding myself that libraries have changed. They aren’t those old formal places that one entered on tip toe, never speaking above a soft whisper. We’re friendly now. We’re noisy sometimes. Occasionally we’re even rowdy. That’s ok. Libraries are public property, publicly owned. The library should be exactly what the majority of its owners wants it to be. I even like them better this way. Aren’t we all more comfortable in our own homes than in more formal places like sanctuaries and courtrooms?

Some libraries even state that their mission is to be the community’s living room. How cozy! However much we want you to be comfortable in our library, some behavior that might seem ok in your own home is still not acceptable in public places. Not even in the library.

It all started a few years ago with the proliferation of personal cell phones. My problem with cell phones is that they ring. Someone speaking on a cell phone in the library is no more disturbing than a conversation between two who are actually present here together. However, that ring! It annoys everyone. If you can’t wait until you get outside to take a call, please set your phone so that it does not startle sleeping babies or set the dogs down the block howling.

Another odd thing about cell phone conversations is that it appears that some people think it has rendered them invisible and inaudible. I really don’t need your problems. Are you sure that you want me to know that you didn’t file an income tax return last year or that various portions of your anatomy don’t function as you’d like? I can hear you and so can most everyone else in the library.

Remember the “sandwich” letter that we learned to write in typing class? The letter that starts out with something pleasant, puts the unpleasantness in the middle and ends up with a complimentary paragraph. The first four paragraphs you just read were the introductory niceness. Now to the heart of the matter:

Using a library, with all its shelves high and low, all its chairs, stepstools and machines, requires bending, stooping and reaching. All this body movement can cause clothing to slip and move out of place. I realize that belting one’s trousers just under one’s chin went out of style a decade or two ago. Even I shop for clothes. I know today’s fashions are not designed to keep one’s person covered at all times.

HOWEVER, just as we would rather not hear about your anatomy, most of it we’d rather not see either. Recently as I walked behind a row of five computer users, three of the five exposed portions of their body that only a proctologist should ever see. Of these three, one was a 40-something “gentleman”, one a male teen and one a 30-ish female.
I am at a loss to know how to handle this. Thus far, I have not been able to force myself to bring this to the attention of the patrons. Don’t they feel a breeze on their nether regions? Don’t they care? Do they think that we find this fashion statement attractive?

Okay, public. This is your warning. Turn off that cell phone ringer and pull up your pants before entering the library. Aging librarians are prone to swooning into a faint at the sign of bare behinds.